Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize