Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
this will be a night to untag.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
