you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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