Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
