Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
