Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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