I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize