i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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