worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
They took my balls.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize