He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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