when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
