8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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