I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
