Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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