You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
