It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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