how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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