New low: just hacked my moms facebook
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
