Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
