she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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