a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
