i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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