Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Girls should come with a carfax report
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
