I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
