Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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