I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
