I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
