I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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