So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
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