Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
