What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
