we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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