she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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