I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
