i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
