I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
