when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
