I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
