I feel like abortions should bother me more
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
