today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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