best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
