there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
