Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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