Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
