My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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