i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
