guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
