My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize