i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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