is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Randomize
