The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
