I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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