I wish life had little blips of pornography
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He told me they were just razor bumps!
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
