i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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