for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
