My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
