I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
