it wasn't lemon gatorade
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize