now i know why i became what i already was.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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